Just Keep Breathing.

You know, church is an amazing thing. I don't think with out the Lord in my life I wouldn't have the strength to move forward, or even on. I haven't been to church for about a month...Bad I know...Between my husband and son getting sick, then getting the news that Jake's Grandmother had breast cancer, then with myself coming down with walking pneumonia, and finding out that I have a mass on my shoulder that will need to be taken out. And I might have to take Insulin shots. All in one month, one right after another takes it's toll, and I didn't know how much I would need the words and songs spoken at church.yesterday. Some reason they were meant just for me. 

I was fine until the end of the song. This song has a deep meaning for me...and I cry all the time during the song...but for some reason this song hit me especially hard and I just completely lost it.......The song is called Nearer, My God, To Thee.  

1. Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
still all my song shall be,
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

2. Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
yet in my dreams I'd be
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

3. There let the way appear, steps unto heaven;
all that thou sendest me, in mercy given;
angels to beckon me
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

4. Then with my waking thoughts bright with
thy praise,
out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;
so by my woes to be
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

5. Or if, on joyful wing cleaving the sky,
sun, moon, and stars forgot, upward I fly,
still all my song shall be,
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

I know all I need to get through my trials are, to look to the Lord and ask for his help. There is always a reason for everything that happens in our lives, it's our choice to take care of them, or to hide and ask why is it always happening to me!? We should really be asking Why Not Me!

I know some people don't share my religion and that is perfectly fine, but ask me why I don't talk to people, or get help...The answer is...because not everybody knows what I am going through, not everybody will understand, I do talk to people, family, friends. ( Trust me with out them I would be nothing) but Sometimes you don't have anywhere to turn, to ask for more help, sometimes you don't know even what to say, or feel stupid for asking a question that might not make sense. Even though you may have the greatest support system, sometimes it takes more then a human figure to be there. That's why I turn to the Lord, I've gone through so much and I know it's because I needed it in my life, I needed to learn to have more faith and not to wonder. I turn to the Lord with things I can't handle, and by some miracle I'm able to get through them, and eventually know why I went through it.

Second Birth Choice.

As hard as the Doctor and I tried. We have decided that the only safe thing to do with the second baby is have another C-section. When we went in for the second ultra sound, it didn't go so well. Nothing is wrong with our little girl thank heavens!!! They can't see any scar tissue with an ultra sound, but it's what they couldn't find that bothered them. The scar tissue is so bad, that they can't even see the scar from the first C-section which they are suppost to be able to see with the ultra sound. She also had an extremely hard time find how full my bladder was....

I've been having a really hard time with this, but I truly know that this is the safest way for both the baby and myself. When my doctor is able to see how much scar tissue there is, he said with baby number three (if we choose to) He will know exactly what we are up against.

The only true reason i'm scared is because of what happend in the past, but I have to always remind myself "DEAL NOT DWELL!" My doctor has gone over what exactly will happen, what the cut is going to look like, what kind of stitches and stapples will be used. He will also be putting a drain tube in so that there won't be anything that can sit around and pool to cause an infection. It makes me more comfortable to know what he will doing, who will be there to help him, and how hard he is going to try to make me feel like everything will be okay. 

He still hasn't decided if he wants me to labor or not....we will play that by ear...but any of you my friends want to come and visit me you are more then welcome...Really you truly are welcome lol...it will be one long week for me!